the four right chords can make me cry

a heady mix of relief and regret, but let's try not to forget that i still have one paper, started behaving as though exams were over before exams started. i did all the things i've been putting off these 2 weeks, namely: play with my dog, laugh at (with?) my dad, play guitar and sing and go for supper with peaches. note to self: please remember that you don't like the ais milo at the prata place, you like the teh tarik.

tau huay and coffee for breakfast is another mix i generally would not advise. a bit weird at first, and then after a while, both things end up tasting the same.

i'm no coffee connoisseur, i just like my coffee sweet and strong. condensed milk please!

yucky breakfast aside, the best part of this morning was sitting and thinking and being. today is a samuel beckett day. i saw glints of silver thread in the trees, glistening in the benign morning sun. though i could not find the centre of the web, nor see the spider, i knew it was there, and i was probably staring right through it and not seeing. it reminded me how Man percieves only but part of the reality around us, tiniest fraction, and often, percieves even that wrongly. so finite, so limited, the span of our years and what we can understand within that time. and no, i'm not just saying that because of exams. haha.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. How I know in part but then I shall know just as I also am known.
And how abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
1 Cor 13:9-13

Have you always suspected that there was something underneath it all, something that had to be there and you were somehow not able to percieve? Some great truth that was being veiled? Red pill or Blue pill? haha no... it's not the matrix, let me assure you. I think its the knowledge of God, more than how we can know him now, given the finiteness of our minds and His infiniteness, perfect knowledge, even as we are known by Him. And greatest of all aspects of God, we need to know His love.

I've always felt that nobody really understands me 100%, which is, of course, an unreasonable thing to demand. I personally find myself thoroughly confusing; by no means do I expect non-me people to understand. but God knows, He percieves and understands, He sees my heart and my motives, so much more clearly than I do, for i often feel like i'm holding a boxing match with myself in the dark (compare with Paul: Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. 1 Cor 9: 26-27). To be known, to be found, that is the christian experience.

God, I can't wait to see you face to face, not like now, through a glass, darkly. To know in perfection and not in part. I'm reminded that no apex of human learning, science, philosophy, inquiry or endeavour, can ever divine the truth of reality. Give me the eyes of faith to percieve, give me hope to hold on to till then, give me your love, without which i am nothing.

posted by beckyboo @ 9:41 AM